Humor / Joke

yang punya crita2 lucu / joke2 segerrr... taro disini doong...
buat menghibur hati yg sdg gundah gulana, stress bekerja dan lain-lainnyaaa....... :P

gw posting duluan yaaa..... permisiiiiiiii.........

Buat ibu-ibu & Bapak2 yang masih punya anak kecil???ati2 klo masukin anak sekolah????. .

Hari pertama nan indah di sebuah TK Mawar Merah yang diasuh oleh
seorang ibu guru Lisa yang berjiwa komunis. Ibu Guru ini mulai
memasuki kelas Nol 2 - dan Ia mulai mengajar kepada anak2 TK tersebut tentang Faham Atheisme (Faham Tidak Bertuhan). Ia mulai mengambil sebuah penghapus papan tulis, dan mulai berkata pada anak2 TK di kelasnya itu:

Anak-anak penghapus papan tulis ini kelihatan gak?" sambil tangannya mengacung-acungkan hapusan di depan kelas...

"KELIHATAAAAAN !!!" kata anak2 TK serempak dan bersemangat.

"Yang terlihat menunjukkan keber-ada-an, maka kalau penghapus ini
kelihatan artinya penghapus ini ada nggak?" tanyanya lagi kepada murid-muridnya.

"ADAAA!!" kata anak2 itu penuh semangat.

Kemudian ia mulai menaruh penghapus papan tulis di meja. Ia lalu
mengambil sebuah kapur putih. Kemudian berkata kembali pada
murid-muridnya:

"Anak-anak KAPUR ini kelihatan nggak?" sambil tangannya kembali
mengacungkan kapur di depan kelas.

"KELIHATAAAAAN !!!" kata anak2 TK serempak dan bersemangat.

"Nah!! Kalau kapur ini terlihat berarti kapur ini ada nggak?" tanyanya lagi kepada murid-muridnya.

"ADAAA!!" jawab anak2 semangat tanpa tedeng aling2.

Lalu sang guru mulai memasukkan doktrin2 komunisme-nya kepada anak-anak TK tersebut.

"ANAK-ANAK ! TUHAN ITU KELIHATAN NGGAK?" tanyanya lebih semangat kepada anak-anak muridnya.

"NGGAAAK!!!" teriak anak2 murid langsung dengan polosnya.

"BERARTI TUHAN ITU. ADA NGGAAAK???" tanya Ibu Guru lagi dengan
bersemangat.

"NGGAK ADAAA...!!!" jawab anak2 bersemangat tanpa mikir panjang.

Di pojok belakang kelas tiba2 berdiri Sinchan, anak murid yang paling
badung dan termasuk yang paling nakal.. lalu ia mulai berjalan dengan gagah dan sok tahu ke depan kelas. Kemudian dia berkata lantang di depan kelas:

"KAWAN-KAWAN OTAK IBU KELIATAN.. NGGAAAK???" tanyanya pada
teman-temannya sekelas.

"NGGAAAK!!" teriak teman-teman sekelasnya langsung dengan suara yang paling keras dari yang tadi.

Kemudia ia bertanya lagi: "BERARTI OTAK IBU GURU ADA NGGAAAK???"

"NGGAK ADAAA!!!!!" jawab teman-temannya.[hr]
Dua hantu bertemu dan bercerita bagaimana mereka mati.
Hantu 1 : "Bagaimanakah cara kamu mati?"
Hantu 2 : "Aku mati akibat kedinginan..."

Hantu 1 : "Bagaimanakah bisa kau mati dalam kedinginan itu?"
Hantu 2 : "Badanku menggigil, setelah itu anggota tubuhku mulai membeku, kemudian aku
merasa dunia menjadi gelap dan akhirnya.....tapi aku merasa bersyukur karena aku mati tanpa banyak kesakitan."

Hantu 1 : "Ishhh...kasian deh lu!."
Hantu 2 : "Kalau kamu, bagaimana cara kamu mati....?"
Hantu 1 : "Aku kena serangan jantung"

Hantu 2 : "Oooo...kok bisa kena serangan jantung?"
Hantu 1 : "Sebenarnya aku menangkap basah istriku sedang selingkuh.
Pada suatu hari, aku pulang ke rumah agak cepat. Aku melihat ada celana dalam lelaki dekat depan pintu. Aku tahu pasti isteriku sedang bermesraan dengan laki-laki lain. Aku berlari masuk kamar tidur, cuma ada isteri ku seorang. Aku tahu pasti laki-laki itu bersembunyi dekat-dekat situ. Aku lari masuk kamar mandi, nggak ada juga, kemudian aku lari ke tingkat bawah, aku cari di gudang, nggak ada...aku lari naik lagi ke tingkat
atas tadi,.....tapi gara-gara aku kecapekan, aku kena serangan jantung......memang sakit dan akhirnya....Aku mati."

Hantu 2 : "Alamak, Kenapa ngga kau cari di lemari eeeess...Kalau ngga, kan kita masih hidup sekarang! Bodoh!"

ikutan ahhh hehehe


NASI GOLENG PELJUANGAN


Seorang cadel ingin membeli nasi goreng yang sering mangkal di dekat rumahnya.

Cadel : Bang, beli nasi goleng satu.

Abang : Apa ... ? (ngledek)

Cadel : Nasi goleng !

Abang : Apaan ? (ngledek lagi)

Cadel : Nasi goleng !!!!!

Abang : Ohh nasi goleng ......

Sambil ditertawakan oleh pembeli yang lain dan pulanglah si cadel dengan sangat kesal. Sesampainya di rumah dia bertekad untuk berlatih mengucapkan "nasi goreng" dengan benar. Hingga akhirnya dia mampu mengucapkan dengan baik dan benar.

Hari ke 2 .....

Dengan perasaan bangga, si cadel ingin menunjukkan bahwa dia bisa mengucapkan pesanan dengan tidak cadel lagi.

Cadel : Bang, saya mau beli NASI GORENG, bungkus !!!!!

Abang : Ohh ... pake apa ?

Cadel : .... pake telol ..... (sambil sedih)

Akhirnya kembali dia berlatih mengucapkan kata "telor" sampai benar.
Hari ke 3 .....

Untuk menunjukkan bahwa dia mampu, dia rela 3 hari berturut-turut makan nasi goreng.

Cadel : Bang, beli NASI GORENG, pake TELOR !!!! bungkus !

Abang : Ceplok atau dadar ?

Cadel : Dadal ....... (dengan spontan)

Kembali dia berlatih dengan keras .....
Hari ke 4..........

Dengan modal 4 hari berlatih lidah, hari ini dia yakin mampu memesan dengan tanpa ditertawakan.

Cadel : Bang, beli NASI GORENG, pake TELOR, di DADAR !!!!!

Abang : Hebat kamu 'del, udah nggak cadel lagi nich, harganya Rp.2,500.- 'del.

Si cadel menyerahkan uang Rp.3,000.- kepada si abang, namun si abang tidak memberikan kembaliannya, hingga si cadel bertanya.

Cadel : Bang, kembaliannya ?

Abang : Oh iya, uang kamu Rp. 3,000.-. harganya Rp.2,500.-, kembaliannya berapa 'del ? (sambil senyum ngledek)

Si cadel gugup juga untuk menjawabnya, dia membayangkan besok bakal makan nasi goreng lagi. Tapi akhirnya dia menjawab : "GOPEK ... !!!" sambil tersenyum penuh kemenangan.

INTI DALI CELITA INI ADALAH HIDUPLAH TELUS DENGAN PENUH PELJUANGAN !!! JANGAN MENYELAH YAH !!!! MELDEKA !!!!!

[sisil]

Dpt dr temen nih, enjoy!

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying;

Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager:- How many days are there in a year?
Man:- 365 days and some times 366

Manager:- how many hours make up a day?
Man:- 24 hours

Manager:- How long do you work in a day?
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days)

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends?
Man:- No sir

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man:- 18 days.

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man:- 4 days

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 2 days sir!

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- 1 day sir!

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day?
Man:- No sir!

Manager:- So how many days are left?
Man:- None sir!

Manager:- So, what are you claiming?
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that
I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!
HR=HIGH RISK

:P :P maap kalo pjg hehehe

[/size]THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN...[size=medium]

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India - very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France -gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain - with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - self-preserving but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages... only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

:P:P:P[hr]Tips dari Kanjeng Pengeran Candu, Menurutnya setiap gerakan wanita ketika
berjalan melambangkan keperibadiannya.

1. Bila berjalan, dari belakang kelihatan seperti tidak memijak tanah
Golongan wanita yang jalannya berginjat, konon wanita ini adalah wanita
yang tidak jujur, bila berbohong, mulutnya laser dan menyinggung perasaan orang lain. Wanita yang berjalan seperti ini juga terkenal dengan sikap egonya.
Lebih parah, wanita ini biasanya pemboros atau suka membazir uang tanpa
berpikir sebelum berbelanja. Padahal, uangnya itu masih banyak kegunaannya.
Tapi jangan berkecil hati, kerana wanita seperti
ini biasanya menjadi pujaan lelaki.

2. Bila berjalan, sering menoleh ke kanan and kiri Wanita seperti ini
biasanya pandai menyimpan rahsia. Walaupun ramai
yang menganggap wanita seperti ini tidak jujur, suka menipu teman sendiri,
dan merugikan temannya, namun, byk lelaki yang berusaha untuk menaklukan
hatinya. Konon wanita seperti ini senang diatur.

3. Bila berjalan suka menunduk
Cara berjalan melambangkan wanita seperti ini memiliki sifat yang tertutup.
Ia hanya akan berbicara dengan orang-orang yang dekat dengannya dan dpt
dipercaya untuk menyimpan rahasianya. Wanita seperti ini biasanya sukar
untuk ditakluk hatinya.
Disamping sikapnya yang dingin, wanita seperti ini tidak peduli dengan
kehidupan cinta. Namun, jika ada lelaki yang berhasil menawan hatinya,
dijamin akan mendapat kebahagiaan. Sebab, wanita jenis ini sangat setia,
dan dia tidak akan mengkhianati lelaki yang dicintainya.

4. Bila berjalan menatap lurus ke depan
Wanita seperti ini biasanya memiliki pendirian yang teguh. Jangan
sekali-sekali menentang apa yang pernah dikatakannya, jika anda tidak mau
mendengar dia bicara panjang lebar. Meski pendiriannya teguh,tapi selalu
berselisih pendapat. Jangan heran jika wanita seperti ini hanya mau bicara
dengan orang yang berpengetahuan luas.

5. Bila berjalan badan tampak tegak
Wanita ini tegas menentukan sikapnya sendiri. Dia tidak mau urusan
pribadinya dicampuri orang lain. Gaya bicaranya serius,
menunjukkan dia memiliki pendirian teguh. Yang menarik dari wanita ini, ia
bertanggungjawap terhadap apa yang pernah dilakukannya. Dia menyenangi
lelaki yang mandiri tanpa meninggalkan sifat-sifat romantisnya.

6.Bila berjalan sambil cengar-cengir, senyam-senyum tanpa alasan jelas ini
wanita gila, agak kurang waras jgn didekati

7. Bila berjalan sambil nyanyi trus bawa kecrekan
Berarti dia WARIA, bukan wanita asli..banyak pria yang takut padanya

8. Bila berjalan sambil sesekali memamerkan barisan gigi2nya yang putih
HATI HATI dia belom di suntik rabies !

9. Bila berjalan, dari belakang kelihatan seperti tidak memijak tanah
Mungkin dia syetan....lariiiiii......hahahhaha......

10. kalo ada wanita bisa jalan di air, wuah... itu pasti zhang zi yi! cewe kung fu!!!

11. Kalo ada wanita berambut panjang menutup muka dan keluar merangkak dari TV anda, maka itu Sadako. Avoid at all cost!

12. bila jalannya maju mundur, itu artinya wanita plin-plan, so kalo mau behubungan dengan wanita jenis ini berhati2 lah , ini hari dia bilang yah besok dia bilang NO NO NO NO NO

13. kalo ada wanita yg berjalan melompat-lompat, nah lho, seraaaammmmm pocong mamiiiiiii..

14. kalo ada wanita yg habis baca email ini ada yg senyam senyum sendirian, apalagi sampe tertawa cekikikan, nah lho gue kagak tahu jenis yg mana ini.. Hidden Content [hr]How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?


One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih


The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:


Dear Marian

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.


Yours truly,
Manager


Hidden Content Hidden Content

[bebe d'amour]

Maap sebelumnya....nggak ada maksud berSARA ria looHidden Content

Dating With Different Type of Chicks


CHINESE PIAOMEI

First date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Again, Nothing Happens!

Third date
You usually don't get up to third date beacuse you are smart enough to realize that nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN MINACHI

First date
Meet her parents.

Second date
Set the date of the wedding.

Third date
Wedding night.

MALAY MINAH

First date
You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.

Third Date
She moves in.
One week later, her father, , her 4 mother, her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)

WHITE MARY

First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.

ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.

Second Date
You are shot dead.

Third date
Not Applicable

A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She
presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses until they stop running.
2. Strike while the bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but How?
6. Don't bite the hand that looks dirty.
7. No news is impossible
8. A miss is as good as a Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the pigs.
13. An idle mind is the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's pollution.
15. Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is not much.
17. Two's company, three's the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.

And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than Pregnant[hr]





WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes-- one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

No wonder men are happier Hidden Content

Lucuu ni!

Lost in Translation


I was at my bank today.
There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated.
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too!"

Wakakakakak natz.. Sungguh menggelikan! Ihikikikikik!
Thread ini sangat menghibuuur!

[feLice]

huauhauhau lucu2..
klo lagi suntuk enak nih bacanya..

[bumblebee]

Hahahha.. aku sukaaa... lucu sekali.. hehehe.. mau post juga ahh.. Baru dapet nih dari email... hehehe.. Enjoy.

Ah Hua went for a job interview to be a secretary.

When the manager saw Ah Hua's colorful attire and gold, white-highlighted hair, his mind is screaming, "NOT THIS WOMAN!!!". Nevertheless, he still had to interview Ah Hua.

So he told Ah Hua,"If you can form a sentence using the words that I give you, then I will give you a chance! The words are <GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE , PURPLE and BLACK>."

Ah Hua thought for a while and said,"I hear the phone GREEN , GREEN , GREEN, then I go and PINK up the phone, I say YELLOW ... BLUE's that ... ? WHITE did you say ... ?

Aiyah, wrong numberlah ... Don't PURPLELY disturb people and don't call BLACK, OK ... ?
Kum Siah ...

The manager fainted ...

bumblebee lucuuu... hahaha kayanya make fun of orang singapur gitu...

Waaaa bumblebee.. Lucu skaleee! Hihihiw..!

[TiCiBee]

Ada 26 orang gila, mereka mau di uji kesehatan mentalnya di Amerika. Mereka diangkut pake pesawat Hercules yang besar! Saat di udara, orang² gila itu berisik karena bermain bola di dalam pesawat. Sang kapten marah dan menyuruh co-pilot untuk menenangkan mereka. "Hoi! Berisik banget sih! Jangan maen bola di dalem pesawat dong!!!", bentak co-pilot kepada orang²gila. Akhirnya situasi menjadi tenang. Tapi lama², si kapten curiga karena situasinya terlalu tenang. Dia menyuruh lagi co-pilotnya untuk cek ke belakang.
Ketika co-pilot datang, dia kaget setengah hidup! (setengah mati juga sama aja kan Hidden Content ). Orang gilanya tinggal 4 orang!!!

"Hei, kalian koq tinggal ber-4? yang lain kemana?" "Abisnya ga boleh maen bola di dalem kapal sih. Mereka jadi main bola di luar."
"HAH?! Terus, kalian kenapa bisa ada di dalem?"
"Kan kita pemain cadangan..."

[TiCiBee]

== Indo vs Preman New York
Ada orang Indonesia yang lagi jalan-jalan ke New York. tiba-tiba
ditodong ama preman New York.

Preman : Gimme your money... u bloody Asian!!!
Indo : eee.... delicious aja... you think easy find money ya??? done
tired half dead, you delicious-delicous ask money from me!!!
(eee...enak aja.. lu pikir gampang cari duit ya?
Udah setengah mati, lu enak2 minta duit dari gua!!!)

Preman : what???... i dont care Gimme your money!!!
(sambil nodongin pisau)
Indo : Ouch Gold.... pity me donk... economy again down... if no
money, children wife eat what??
(aduh mas.... kasianin gua donk... ekonomi lagi turun...
kalau gak ada duit, anak istri makan apa?)
Preman : Oh My Lord...what is he talking about?? (sambil nusuk pisau
ke perut si indo)
Indo : unlucky you... later i become ghost, feel it you!!
(sialan lu.. nanti gua jadi hantu, rasain lu) Preman : ????

[TiCiBee]

== Indo vs Preman New York
Ada orang Indonesia yang lagi jalan-jalan ke New York. tiba-tiba
ditodong ama preman New York.

Preman : Gimme your money... u bloody Asian!!!
Indo : eee.... delicious aja... you think easy find money ya??? done
tired half dead, you delicious-delicous ask money from me!!!
(eee...enak aja.. lu pikir gampang cari duit ya?
Udah setengah mati, lu enak2 minta duit dari gua!!!)

Preman : what???... i dont care Gimme your money!!!
(sambil nodongin pisau)
Indo : Ouch Gold.... pity me donk... economy again down... if no
money, children wife eat what??
(aduh mas.... kasianin gua donk... ekonomi lagi turun...
kalau gak ada duit, anak istri makan apa?)
Preman : Oh My Lord...what is he talking about?? (sambil nusuk pisau
ke perut si indo)
Indo : unlucky you... later i become ghost, feel it you!!
(sialan lu.. nanti gua jadi hantu, rasain lu) Preman : ????